Breaking Free from Perfectionism & People Pleasing

This week on the podcast, I am sharing a conversation with a fellow life coach,  Lizzie Merritt. We discuss tools to live with more self-compassion, awareness, and fulfillment.

Whether it’s overcoming people-pleasing, breaking unhelpful patterns, or learning to accept your unique wiring, life coaching can help anyone seeking lasting change. 

3 highlights from our conversation:

Self-awareness is transformational: Understanding why we think, feel, and act the way we do (through tools like the Enneagram or self-reflection) helps us have more grace for ourselves and compassion for others. Noticing our patterns is always the first step.

Behavior follows identity: Sustainable change doesn’t start with shifting actions. When you begin to see yourself as someone worthy, capable, and enough—your actions naturally align. Start on the inside with noticing your thoughts, feelings, values, and identity.  

Rest is an important tool: True growth and health mean creating space for rest. Without it, we keep repeating old patterns and using coping mechanisms that don’t serve us or could even hurt us and our relationships.

Living a  vibrant life isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being curious, getting honest about what’s really going on beneath the surface, and learning to celebrate the whole, unique you.

Links 

• Join Kelly's Group Coaching Program
• Join Kelly’s Free community on Skool
• Lizzie Merritt

 Let's connect.

I am cheering for you!

Transcript

0:05

Hey friends, this week on the podcast, I'm sharing a conversation with Lizzy Merritt. We're talking about how coaching can help you notice and decide what's important to you, using tools like the Enneagram to help us. Lizzy works with women who want to lose weight and I work with women who want to live a vibrant life. I hope that our conversation helps you notice what's important to you, decide the small practice steps you wanna take, and find the community that helps you take those small steps, encourages you, and helps you to feel seen and known and loved. And if you're looking for a community, I'd love to invite you to my free skool community. The link is in the bio of kellytibbitts.com. It's also at the bottom of the notes for this podcast, or you can send me a message on Facebook or Instagram, and I'll send you the link. Welcome to Vibrant Life Podcast. I'm life coach Kelly Tibbits, and each week I'll be here to encourage and equip you with the tools you need to grow in self-awareness and invest your best energy in your dreams and your purpose. I believe self-awareness changes everything. Let's get started.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 1:23

I love helping people grow in their own understanding of why they think and feel and do life the way they do so that we have grace for ourself and then compassion for others. We honor and respect the differences we all have. Tell me a little bit about you.

Lizzie Merritt 1:37

I am also a life coach, and I specialize in weight loss. I love helping my clients,, recognize that the patterns that have frustrated them for years or decades. Their brain is being a very normal human brain. Diets and systems set us up to work against the way our brains are naturally wired. Once you create nervous system safety, then you can work with the way your brain is wired to create lasting change and not hate the process.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 2:01

One of the first coaches I had was Brooke Castillo from Life Coach School. I wanted to lose eight pounds, and that was what she was selling. When I went and spent time with her, what I actually discovered was my thoughts were creating my feelings, which were driving my actions, and my whole life was transformed. I became a person that I really enjoy being I love the fact that it's my thought and not the circumstances of my life that are creating the energy of my life. And so I think that's a really great thing that you're sharing with people

Lizzie Merritt 2:24

It's funny, um, I actually was talking to a client today and I said, "Sometimes people will ask me, 'Well, are you a weight loss coach or a life coach?'" I was like, there really isn't a lot of difference.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 2:31

Right

Lizzie Merritt 2:32

because I like to say that weight loss is a lot like an iceberg, whether you're following some keto or Weight Watchers or whatever, it is the stuff above the surface. And all the reasons why it's hard to follow is what is beneath the waterline, underneath our subconscious awareness. What I love about coaching, is just helping that unique individual be like, "What are your unique challenges? What are your unique obstacles? And let's help you see them, navigate around them, and then have more success in your life

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 2:59

And I think that's just one of the most transformative things we can help people understand is if you could just notice, maybe that's not the thought you want on repeat.

Lizzie Merritt 3:07

Yeah

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 3:08

One of the things that we were talking about as we were getting to know each other is you and I both understand that we can know what to do and still not do it. In my time that I was a pastor, I loved this verse from Paul where he said, you know, "I know what I want to do, but I don't do it, and I know what I don't want to do, and I keep doing it." And as a young mom, I gave myself such crap over that. Like, "Girl, you know you don't want to drink so much Diet Coke, but you keep doing it, and you know you want to go for a walk, and you don't do it." But I think nervous system, like understanding what was keeping me from doing things or maybe keeping me stuck in a pattern I didn't want, really changed my whole, kindness and love for myself. I would say most of the time now, the first words I speak over myself are kind and loving, and that was not true most of my life. I wanted to know, what do you think is happening in someone's brain when they want to do something and they don't do it, or they don't want to keep doing something and they keep doing it? Why do you think that happens?

Lizzie Merritt 3:59

Absolutely. I love that you brought up, Paul in Romans. I think that is in my first book. And just, it's so universal of like, it's like part of the human experience. And sometimes, you know, when I'll ask clients, like, "Well, what do you think is the obstacle getting in the way?" And they're like, "I'm the obstacle." I'm like, "Let's not go there, because that gives you all judgment and zero direction."

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 4:19

Yeah

Lizzie Merritt 4:19

Instead, When you get curious and be like, "Wait a second, there is something that my nervous system is saying I don't feel okay to make a change." I like to use this analogy that are a lot like taking you into the, frozen north of the Canadian wilds or New Hampshire in the winter. And they're like, "Hey, give me your coat and I'm out, but good luck with the weather." Analogy there is that the weather is the stressful aspects of life, whether you're a young mother, you have a job, all of the above. You know, you're suddenly the pastor of a church you didn't mean to be.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 4:54

Right

Lizzie Merritt 4:54

And it's taking away your one coping tool, the one thing that's keeping you safe, your coat. Or in the case of weight loss, it's food. So when somebody knows what to do but doesn't do it, basically they're in a repeated pattern of they're finding themselves in a stressful situation, again, whether that's normal life or, an acute, situation. And their brain, instead of accessing their higher level thinking, brain literally doesn't have access to that because your survival brain is in charge, and it's saying, "Safety first. What makes me feel safe is what's familiar, and food has helped me in the past. That's familiar. That's what we're going with. I'm not asking questions." How would you,, kind of explain that concept when you're working with clients?

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 5:38

One of the things I love about the Enneagram is it gives us different areas of information. If you took the nine different paths that the Enneagram starts with and you group them in groups of three. So one of the first places I start is the triad that talks about our energy. The Enneagrams threes, sevens, and eights, have an assertive energy. I know where I'm going, and I'm going to go do that. Others like ones, twos, and sixes on the Enneagram, have what's called compliant energy. We're constantly looking to the left and the right what do you want me to do? Four, fives, and nines have a withdrawn energy, they're really trying to protect their limited energy. In each of those cases, you could see like a young mom, for example- an assertive young mom trying to get through and be powering through what she needs to power through with. The tools that have helped whether it was having a little snack in the middle of the day or drinking too much Diet Coke, it gave the energy to stay in that assertive energy. I think the Enneagram is trying to help all of us understand how can we become more balanced. Sometimes we need assertive energy, but sometimes we need to withdraw, and make sure that we're conserving our energy. The Enneagram first helps you notice how you're doing, but then it helps you to say, "What would I like for a more aligned, balanced version of me?" When we start coaching people and helping them understand what you've done on repeat may not be serving you. It might be the same thing you've done since you were five years old, but it's not producing the results you want, so is it possible to make a different decision?

Lizzie Merritt 6:57

I would love to dig into that. I happen to be relatively familiar with the Enneagram. I had a conversation with a client not too long ago where she was frustrated with herself 'cause she noticed a pattern where before her feet even hit the floor in the morning, was looking for what could go wrong. Here's why I don't want to follow through on that potentially fun thing, like going to the museum with the family." Through our conversation, I was like, "You know what? I'm betting she's a six."

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 7:22

Mm-hmm. That's what I'm thinking while you're speaking.

Lizzie Merritt 7:25

But she was not familiar with the Enneagram, so what I said to her is, "Look, we all have, pros and cons to our type, and the, what you're viewing as a con is I'm only looking at the problems, is actually very valuable in a lot of situations. We need to be able to be on alert for the potential pitfalls." Give us a high level of the Enneagram, and then in that situation for potentially, like, a six, what's the pros and cons in that kind of example?

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 7:50

Yeah, so the Enneagram says there's these nine ways of thinking, feeling, and doing life. And unless we're in a really bad state, we tend to be fluid. We move to the behaviors of different numbers, but there's one number that's describing why you're doing what you're doing. So in the case of an Enneagram 6, why they're making all their decisions, they're trying to keep themself and their people safe. So she wakes up and she's like, "I don't know if we can do all this. Do we have the energy, the money, the resources, the time?" And that's what her brain is constantly putting in front of her is evidence that maybe there isn't enough. And she's trying to be compliant. But the 6s are thinkers first, and so are the 5s and the 7s. So nine different ways of doing life. 5, 6s, and 7s, they're thinking their way through life. 6s are trying to notice what has to happen today. 5s are looking back and learning and really holding onto their energy tightly in a withdrawn way. Like, if you see a 5 in a space filled with people, they're probably going to be at the back table or maybe even leaning against the wall holding onto their energy. The 7s are out into the future, assertive. What could be the best possible outcome of this circumstance? And that's three different ways thinking about the same thing. 8s, 9s, and 1s, instead of thinking their way through life, they're processing it somatically. They just know in their body. Eights know in their body what they want to do, why they want to do it, assertive in their energy. When that is in a male, we tend to make them the leader. And when it's in a girl who hasn't been affirmed in it, she can be called every name in the book and not even understand the power of her somatic information. I love helping Enneagram eight females own their strength and their energy. It's a knowing, it's not a thinking. Nines know in their body what they want to do, but they're trying to keep the peace. And so they might stuff things down instead of stating them clearly. And like you're saying, the two sides of it, it's one thing to know, it's another thing to do. And so I love to help nines not keep the peace, but create peace. Be peacemakers. Use that wisdom. And then ones have the same wisdom, but they're trying to also comply at the same time, and they have an inner rule book. This is the right way to do things. And they want to do the right thing for the right reason. What is the right reason? It's in their body somatically. And when they realize no one else got the same book as you, all of a sudden they're so much kinder because they think people are doing the wrong thing on purpose instead of this is just a knowing in your body, and someone else has a very different opinion. For instance, grocery carts. A one will have a very clear opinion of what you do with grocery carts. A three might leave it in the middle of the parking lot because they need to be productive and they need to keep going. But a one would say the right thing to do is you put it back exactly where you got it,

Lizzie Merritt 10:23

example.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 10:24

And then twos, threes, and fours, I'm a two, we're feeling our way through life. And so before I understood the Enneagram, I couldn't understand why I could almost feel everyone else's feelings, but no one seemed to notice mine. And so I was using all my energy to be kind and loving and helpful. And what transformed my life was for me to love myself first and to make sure I was kind and loving to me. Twos are feeling our way through life, both for myself and for others. Threes are taking that information, and they're kinda stuffing it down for themself, but they're using it with everyone else, so they're incredibly good at reading a room. They're very good at being productive. And then fours really know their own feelings, and they feel them deeply, and so they become our artists, right? If you know an Enneagram four friend and something hard happens, they're not going to try to sugarcoat it or make you move on. They'll sit with you and allow you to feel all of the depth of feelings. There's these nine different ways of thinking, feeling, and doing life Each one has this 50/50, two sides of a coin, a way that's serving you. I always like to help my clients think, "Who do you want to be in 10 years? What part of this self-awareness is helping you move in that direction, and what part is actually keeping you from that goal?" That's what we want to notice and decide. Is this something that serves me and helps me become the version of myself that I can see, or is it holding me back? And with kindness and grace for ourselves, we can kinda just put it on the table and look at it and not judge ourselves, right? So as an Enneagram 2, I can't help it. When people are around, I can almost feel their feelings, and for 55 years, I've been wanting to help them, right? And so to notice if I keep helping them at, past my own energies, resources, I'm tired, I'm resentful, I'm frustrated. I'm not actually helping them, and I'm really hurting me. So is it okay to put up a boundary? That's a really good word for Enneagram 2s. So each number, there's something that's serving you and something that you need to notice with love for yourself and see if it's serving you to keep doing those behaviors.

Lizzie Merritt 12:19

Yeah. It's... And that actually kind of brings me to my next question. Both you and I are two.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 12:23

Yeah

Lizzie Merritt 12:24

but a lot of the women that I work with, I don't know, obviously I don't know everyone's, uh, Enneagram number, but women to be conditioned more to be people pleasers. So I had many, many, many of my clients, um, have people plea- pleasing tendencies. And one of the things I talk about in my most recent book, we talk about, you know, the method for how to make weight loss easier, but then I talk about all the obstacles that are going to get in the way. People pleasing I think is the third one. One of the things that was so helpful to me to learn about people pleasing is that this is not a character flaw. This is not something that you need to clean up and get over. a safety mechanism

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 13:01

Yes

Lizzie Merritt 13:01

somewhere in your history or in your feeling, your nervousness, you know, as twos, we recognize that, like, I feel safer if the people in my environment are happy. And so it's not about, I am abandoning myself, although it can become that. it's more like I am trying to keep myself safe, and so I'm doing that by making you happy.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 13:23

Yeah

Lizzie Merritt 13:24

How does that show up in your work?

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 13:26

Well, I think what happened for me was I didn't know myself. I didn't know why I was thinking things or feeling things or doing things, and so I over-gave and I became exhausted and depleted. And then I was a very resentful version of myself, and I wasn't showing up in any of my relationships the way I wanted to. What happened for me by working with my first coach, discovering the Enneagram, discovering strength finders and different things, is I began to put some self-care practices in place and discovered that wasn't actually selfish. The people around me actually appreciated the version of me that didn't over-give and wasn't exhausted and overwhelmed and depleted. That's really something that I love to share with people. I grew up in the church world where we're taught things like it's Jesus first and yourself last, and that is a terrible way to live out what Jesus actually said, which is love God with your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. You have to love yourself enough to have anything to give to your neighbor. What really served me, was to first see the value of not being exhausted mentally, emotionally. You talk a lot about psychological safety and how someone who's over-given then is resentful and grumpy and now is beating herself up. How did you support women? Maybe you had to support yourself in learning some of this.

Lizzie Merritt 14:38

Yeah. Many of my clients, uh, have people-pleasing tendencies and, you combine that with a society that's, productive and so forth. She puts herself last even when she gets a chance to finally sit down and rest. Her brain is ticking off all the things, "Oh, that I should be doing."

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 14:54

Right

Lizzie Merritt 14:54

And how that comes out is your brain is looking for a way to feel safe, to feel better, and food is the only outlet it has. Here's a great example. I have a client who she's a tech engineer, and sometimes she's working on a problem that's hard and tough, and she's like, "You know what? Let's go get a snack," because she wants to be very productive and, taking the legit break, going for a walk, resting, I don't know, watching TV, that's not productive. That's not okay. But you can go eat,

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 15:22

嗯

Lizzie Merritt 15:24

And so a lot of times that productive plus people-pleasing tendencies can lead to eking out sideways and we end up overeating as a way to feel better, as a way to soothe, and so forth. So what I will tell my clients is taking rest, by the way, guilt-free rest,

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 15:46

Yeah

Lizzie Merritt 15:46

very important, because you can technically sit down and not feel resting because, again, your brain is ticking off all the things that you should be doing. So guilt-free rest not a nice-to-have, it's not a, Instagram reel. It's a weight loss strategy. Is a legitimate tool that helps you because when you are feeling more rested and more resourced, you don't necessarily need to go for the food as the only outlet.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 16:11

One of the things I noticed as I began to grow in my own emotional health is, you know, some of the people in my family of origin, I would always over-give. And I would have to like sort of stuff myself down to be able to give them the energy that they wanted, right? It wasn't really a reciprocal relationship. It was a me over-giving relationship. And then on the way home, I would almost always stop at McDonald's. It was just interesting that I noticed as I began to do this work. And now that I put boundaries in of do I have the energy for this visit? And rather than having to refuel myself on the way home, make sure that I'm going down and from a place where I feel like I have something to give. It didn't even occur to me for most of my life to notice, do I have something that I can give emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually? It was just an expected. If they want me to do or be or whatever. There was seasons of my life where I was working as a pastor, which is very busy on the holiday season, producing the holiday event for my whole family to come over. And talk about putting yourself last, right? And then trying to recover. I think many of us notice when we're physically tired more than anything else, and they, either you might use your phone to scroll, or you might overeat, or you might do something that isn't actually serving you. Discovering, wow, you know what's making me feel this way is my resources were overgiven and so what can I do to recover, um, rather than just go to this natural first thing that I did, which was maybe choosing to go to McDonald's or maybe choosing to go get ice cream. And at the same time, it's a narrow road. I want to still enjoy those things, but I don't want to use them as recovery. We're both in Cathy Heller's program, and she has this beautiful exercise where you take one strawberry, and you eat it so slowly that you just completely appreciate. And I try to do that every few months when there's a beautiful strawberry at my store. There's a difference between eating for enjoyment and then eating sort of to refuel 'cause you're exhausted, and that was something that I noticed working with my coach as well.

Lizzie Merritt 17:59

You know what? That's fascinating you bring that up because I literally today had a conversation with a client who was bringing up a topic I had addressed earlier and about the idea of, like, desire is divine.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 18:12

Mm-hmm.

Lizzie Merritt 18:12

And we talk about that strawberry. It's like

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 18:14

Yeah. Yeah

Lizzie Merritt 18:17

is appreciating the divine

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 18:19

Yes.

Lizzie Merritt 18:20

the strawberry.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 18:21

Yeah

Lizzie Merritt 18:22

if I may circle back, you talked about, like, family members, stressful, McDonald's on the way home. I don't want to assume, but many of us would judge ourselves for like, "God, I keep going to McDonald's," or, "I shouldn't be doing this," and the... You know, I've spent decades in that judgment shame spiral. Did you do to notice how you were talking to yourself and change it, at all?

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 18:46

I think that's really one of the most important things. My coaching program starts with that word notice, and, one of my favorite people that I've learned from is Kara Lowentheil, and, um, she has helps you understand how to be kind to yourself with your words first. And so that was maybe one of the first things I noticed is instead of just, "Oh my gosh, look at you going to do this thing that you didn't want to do," almost like compassion for the little girl in me, "You must be so tired. That was really hard."

Lizzie Merritt 19:13

Yeah. Yeah

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 19:14

instead to be kind to myself, and then making the decision I wanted to make intentionally, I would think that's the biggest change. I got my first coach in 2016.

Lizzie Merritt 19:24

Mm-hmm.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 19:24

I think I've become a more intentional person over these last, whatever, 10 years at this point. I think that was one of the first things, just a little bit of a notice,

Lizzie Merritt 19:33

Mm-hmm.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 19:33

then a little bit of an intention. And then if I did decide to go get the ice cream, to try to enjoy it, to be present and not just eating and driving or, um, those kinds of things. The reason I didn't want to go through McDonald's is as much as I love a great Diet Coke, I tend to get a headache from it. So it wasn't good for me to be doing some of the things I was doing. It just didn't make me feel good, and I'm trying to choose foods and activities that make me feel good for the long term. And so that was why I was trying to make a different decision.

Lizzie Merritt 19:59

Yeah. that negative self-talk is definitely something that comes up in my work a lot, and that's ultimately how I, for myself, but then, codified it for my clients in my most recent book, was I was so judgmental and so shaming of myself that finally I was like, "This is not working. I need to find another way." And back in the day, I was a middle school science teacher, and I was like, "What if I look at this like a science experiment?" Because a science experiment, you can get it right, you can get it wrong, you can blow stuff up. It's all fine. You're learning something. And so I began to kind of massage the scientific method to extract that judgment and shame of I should be doing it this way, and just be curious and investigative

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 20:44

Yes

Lizzie Merritt 20:44

so that's how my L.I.F.E. method came about.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 20:47

L- love that idea. I love that Ted Lasso has brought it to all of us, of what does it look like to be more curious than judgmental, not just towards others, but towards ourselves. So you've seen that emotional eating, people-pleasing happens a lot for women. Is there any kind of link this whole emotional eating after people-pleasing? That's what I saw in my life. The more I overgave, that was my outlet after overgiving and people-pleasing

Lizzie Merritt 21:10

Yes, I would say they're very related. I would say emotional eating is a, uh, symptom, it can have multiple different causes. People-pleasing being one, where you are overgiving, you're depleted, you're tired, perhaps you're feeling resentful, and then maybe add a dash of guilt on top of it, of like, "I shouldn't be feeling resentful." You've got, like, multiple layers of negative feelings, and your brain is like, "I need some peace. How about a Diet Coke or some McDonald's?" Emotional eating can happen for lots of various reasons, and it certainly can be habit. Um, it can be fatigue. That's common. And again, like, most days are multifactorial. Like, it's, it's 5:45 at night, you're tired, but you also had that challenging meeting with a colleague or whatever it is. Another thing that is a common root cause of emotional eating is we want to avoid a feeling.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 22:03

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lizzie Merritt 22:05

one of the surprising things that I've learned in my work is how to feel your feelings,

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 22:10

Yes

Lizzie Merritt 22:11

because it's like, where was that class in college?

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 22:14

Absolutely

Lizzie Merritt 22:15

that? in fact, most of us were taught something, either very overtly or at least, the opposite of kids are supposed to be seen, not heard, or you're being too much, you're too emotional, don't cry, all these things. And so we have gotten really, really good at pushing that away and

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 22:32

Yes

Lizzie Merritt 22:32

in a box, but they don't go anywhere. They leak out sideways

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 22:36

Yeah

Lizzie Merritt 22:37

I learned a surprisingly simple but effective tool for how to feel your feelings, and it's not that scary.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 22:43

Yeah

Lizzie Merritt 22:44

Step one, just ask yourself, "What am I feeling?" you're looking for, like, a one-word answer. Angry, tired, frustrated, sad. Anything's fine. Excited also counts. And then step two is you remind yourself, "I'm allowed to feel I don't have to fix it.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 23:03

Yeah

Lizzie Merritt 23:03

For the next minute, I can just allow myself to feel anxious." sometimes I'll add in, like, course I would feel anxious," or, "It makes so much sense I feel anxious," or sometimes the opposite. I don't even have to know all the reasons why I feel anxious, 'cause my brain wants to figure out, like, I shouldn't be feeling this way, so why am I feeling this way? This

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 23:20

Yes

Lizzie Merritt 23:20

So that simple just, I'm allowed to feel this. I don't have to fix it. It's like, wait, what?

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 23:27

I know. I know. I was a kindergarten teacher, and I think, "Oh, if I'd only known this." So because Enneagram twos, threes, and fours are in the feeling center, they're usually a little better at finding that feeling in our bodies. Some of us can describe it. It's big, it's small, it's heavy, there's a color, there's a movement. And what's fun sometimes with my five, sixes, and sevens is their feelings tend to all live in their head.

Lizzie Merritt 23:46

Uh-huh

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 23:47

not even aware where else in their body it could be. Eights, nines, and ones might not notice it as a vibration as much as like, "Oh, my shoulder's a little tight," a lot of ones, one of the interesting things as they begin to discover their feelings, how many live in their hands. Some, like, stuckness of those feelings there. But allowing them, being with them, welcoming them, and noticing that they might get a little bigger while you're paying attention, but then they move through you without having any kind of judgment about it is so transformative, right? The energy that moves through you once you just notice and allow, and without judgment say, of course I can be angry, resentful, scared, excited." It gives you more of a fulfilling life. One of the interesting things that happens is if we don't allow the feelings of resentment and frustration and sadness, we just keep suppressing them, we're also dimming the other side. I love when I work with somebody and they allow this one feeling, and all of a sudden the other feelings of happiness and joy and connected start to grow, too. So I do think that's a really powerful tool for people to just, whatever works for them. There's so many great videos out there now with different teachers, your book. To just notice your feelings and allow them and be with them without any kind of judgment. It's huge.

Lizzie Merritt 24:59

Yeah. And I actually, know, over time have learned, a- as we talked about in the beginning, regulating the nervous system during this process because feeling feelings can feel very scary, can feel very like, "No, thank you."

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 25:10

Mm-hmm

Lizzie Merritt 25:11

and so step three of the process is simply to take a big, deep breath it all the way out, like big, nice long exhale. find if you do this a couple times in a row, like at least four, maybe five, feelings sometimes come in layers, and it's been amazing to see. an example one time was a client had a, disagreement with her spouse. And she had talked to the spouse. They had, you know, reconciled. The spouse said, whatever it was that they like... It seemed resolved. And she was judging herself 'cause she's like, "I'm still bothered by this. Why is this still bothering me? I should be over it."

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 25:45

Mm

Lizzie Merritt 25:46

So we walked through this tool. What am I feeling? I'm feeling frustrated. I'm allowed to feel it. I don't have to fix it. Big breath, blow it out. time, what am I feeling? Maybe it was angry. Same thing. I'm allowed to feel it. Big breath, blow it out. The third time, what am I feeling? feeling disrespected. And we're like, "That's what is... That's why it's still bothering you." And if you h- if she hadn't done it a couple of times, she would've just stayed with frustrated.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 26:10

Yes

Lizzie Merritt 26:11

was like, "Why am I still frustrated? This doesn't make any sense." sometimes just allowing those couple of layers can be really powerful

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 26:17

It's so powerful, and I remember as the time of being a pastor came to an end for me, doing this work with one of my coaches. Getting all the way to the bottom of feeling betrayed. And there was a color and a weight to it, and allowing it and watching it move through my body, but I never would've gotten down to that level without somebody helping me move through those layers, right? With my daughter, as I started doing this, she's a seven, so good at finding the joy. A feelings wheel to help notice is so helpful. We might be fine with angry or sad, but like you said, disrespected. That takes a little bit of time and a little bit of intention to notice, and then to feel it and allow it through. It's amazing the different results that happen. Right now you're not reaching for that whatever thing was helping you feel better. You actually just feel better. You've allowed it and moved it through. Yeah. It's so amazing what all of this work can do for us.

Lizzie Merritt 27:09

Absolutely. And it's funny you mention the feelings wheel. I had a client, I don't know for sure, but I would guess that she's a five, so very information-oriented, and so she's very much kinda in her head. But she had a hard time, uh, identifying, labeling a feeling. And so she just made it part of her practice that, She'd have a little alarm on her phone that at a certain time of day she'd be like, "What am I feeling?" And she would look at the feelings wheel and say, you know, try and

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 27:32

Amazing. Amazing, yep. I love that. So one of the things that you've noticed is perfectionism is a nervous system problem, not a character flaw. So generally when people are starting to learn the Enneagram, they're like, "Only ones are perfectionist." That's not true, right? Um, ones h- want to do the right thing for the right reason, but how would a two show up perfectionist? "Well, I'm trying to be this ideal people person for all the people in my life." So all the different paths can have what we might call perfectionism, but it actually comes down to our nervous system. It's not a flaw in our character. You noticed that it actually shuts down learning. How can somebody help themselves if when they're feeling this overwhelming response of their feelings and the activities of the world, how can they change a habit that they've been doing on repeat since they were five years old?

Lizzie Merritt 28:23

In the research I've done on perfectionism have learned that perfectionism is less about for excellence and more about protection, more about safety. About like, "I am preventing failure." and that's really normal. Like, that's very understandable. And so if you identify as a, one on the Enneagram or r- really any of us where whatever number we are where we're trying to get it right or we're trying to do it right and we feel like a failure, suggestion is to take that beautiful, powerful drive, 'cause perfectionism is often labeled as very bad. It's

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 29:01

嗯

Lizzie Merritt 29:01

it's maladaptive, it's messing up your life. And there certainly are maladaptive aspects to it, it can be adaptive. You can harness that striving drive a positive outcome in your life. And I say, like, we just need to shift its role. Instead of it being in the driver's seat saying, "We're avoiding failure," let's put it in the passenger seat where it's helping you navigate, but your goal is, "How can I learn? I want to get better at learning." Because if you're learning, no way to fail. You're always winning

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 29:36

I wish I'd learned that. I discovered human design through Cathy Heller's world as well, and I'm a 1/3. And the one I understand. I'm a learner. I love to learn, and I buy all the courses. But the three, that path was meant to learn along the way. And somewhere when I was a little kid, I learned, "Don't make mistakes." And then as I discovered my human design, to be so surprised that my way of becoming fully me was to make mistakes, learn, create systems out of it. So having some kind of nervous system tool where you can allow imperfection and, you know, receive whatever gift comes from, "I didn't do it right this time, but now I have a system for it. I have a story from it. I have a way to share this tool with somebody else," has been so transformative to me. Behavior follows identity. What does that mean to you? Behavior follows identity

Lizzie Merritt 30:27

Let's take a diet. A diet is asking you to change your actions, and that is the most surface level, form of change. If you take it a layer deeper, you could look to change your system. Instead of I'm going to eat a salad for lunch every day, your system could be I'm going to do meal prep on the weekends and have a whole bunch of salad available so that most days I could choose a salad if I am in the mood for it. But I've got something else as an option. And by the way, you don't have to eat salad every day to lose weight.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 30:57

Yeah.

Lizzie Merritt 30:58

surface level is actions, a layer deeper is systems, and then the core layer of change is your identity.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 31:05

Yes

Lizzie Merritt 31:05

Of the things I work on a lot in the membership that I work for is maintenance, is that once someone has lost their weight, now what? No matter where you are on your weight loss journey, whether you have five pounds to lose or 100, that you start thinking like a normal eater today. An example of an identity shift is a dieter is following rules or rebelling against the rules.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 31:28

Mm-hmm

Lizzie Merritt 31:28

But either way, the authority of what is right for me is external. A normal eater is making choices. Sometimes she likes her choices, sometimes she doesn't like her choices. Sometimes she was completely mindless and thoughtless about her choices. nevertheless, what is right for me is an internal locus of control. When you take away the idea of there's a right way or a wrong way to do it, it's more like there are just choices that have outcomes. For example, if I stay up late, I would expect the outcome that I'm going to be tired tomorrow. That's not good or bad. It's not moral. It's just an outcome. If I stay in the sun too long, my skin's going to be sensitive. Not good or bad, not moral, just an outcome. If I eat vegetables at dinner, not good or bad, logical outcome. If I eat pizza, not good or bad, logical outcome. And so then I can make my choices based on these choices are not moral, they have logical outcomes, and sometimes I'm going to choose to eat emotionally, and that's fine. I own it. okay. Food is a tool in your feel better toolbox. It doesn't have to be the only one.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 32:34

Mm-hmm.

Lizzie Merritt 32:35

and so I really try to sort of unwind the diet identity because it is so baked into the air we breathe.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 32:45

Yes

Lizzie Merritt 32:45

one time learning about or hearing approach things with a beginner's mind. Imagine something you know a lot about and imagine you just were a complete beginner, you didn't know anything. And so I asked myself, "What if I didn't know anything about diets?"

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 32:58

Hmm

Lizzie Merritt 32:59

And I couldn't imagine that

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 33:01

Wow

Lizzie Merritt 33:02

"Wow, this is really, really baked in there." And so, um, why I tell my clients, like, "I really, I don't want you to ever diet again. I want you to gradually change what your definition of normal looks like because that's how we can, have long-term weight loss," because long-term weight loss is when you're still eating normally, it's just what normal looks like for you has changed.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 33:24

I grew up in the fundamentalist church and really don't agree with a lot of the ways that things like sin were described. For me, it comes down to starting with the idea of beloved. I think when a person lives life believing they are just loved for breathing in and breathing out, just like when you hold a new baby, you know? They don't have to do a thing. They're just so beloved for breathing and breathing out. How do I want to care for myself? What do I want to put inside that nourishes me, and is it because I'm enjoying it? Is it because I'm using it, like you said, as a tool? Is there a better tool that has the consequence that I want? I think identity is the key to everything. I don't think the Enneagram is your identity. I think your identity is 100% loved, one in eight billion expression of God, and made on purpose for a purpose. When you live in that identity, you're able to say, "I want a little more of this and I want a little less of that." And oh, how human of me, I stayed up a little late, ate that thing, and now I don't feel really good. Last week, really funny story, my husband and I went away 'cause we're going to become grandparents this week, and we had our little vacation. And I went to an ice cream store. They had six scoops of ice cream in this one container, and I never would eat s- six scoops of ice cream, but I'm never going to come back to this ice cream store. I love ice cream. It had six flavors I wanted to try. I tried talking him into sharing with me. He didn't want to, so I got the six. And I felt terrible. That was the consequence of my choice. But I honestly, if I ever go back there, I'd probably do it again because it was so fun and so enjoyable, but it wasn't in stress and it wasn't to make a feeling go away. It was literally like, "This would be really fun to try these six unique flavors that I'll never have the opportunity to unless I came back to this place."

Lizzie Merritt 34:55

Yeah

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 34:55

a difference between using that tool because I'm overwhelmed, I'm depleted, I over-gave, and now I'm going to go eat six scoops of ice cream versus, you know what? This is a once in a lifetime. And next time, be more sunk costs. There were some sunk costs to it. Next time there'd be more. But identity is so huge. And I think whether you work with a coach or you just do your own quiet time, we're so lucky right now. There's so many resources out there for people with the books and the workshops and the online to just reconnect to who you are. The Enneagram is one tool to help you understand yourself so you have more grace. Working with a coach, of course, is another way, but I think identity is huge, is really the path back

Lizzie Merritt 35:33

I really would love to ask your take on that as, an expert in Enneagram and human design. Some people could say, you know, "Well, don't put me in a box,"

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 35:41

Yes

Lizzie Merritt 35:42

know, "I can't be defined by just a number on the Enneagram. My identity is bigger than that." How do you address that, and how do you help a client who might feel stuck, and you're like, "Why don't we shift the way we look at things?" How would you do that?

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 35:54

Well, it's similar to what you're saying. There's these behaviors and these systems, and then underneath is this identity. The Enneagram is not your identity. The Enneagram is explaining those behaviors. Why are you thinking that and feeling that and doing that? And that's because when you came to Earth, this little soul had to put on a costume, right? There's no way of getting around it. And somewhere between two and four years old, somebody did something. I think of my little two self, your little two self. We did something, and someone said, "Oh my gosh, you are so helpful and loving." And we loved that. We're like, "We're going to be more helpful and loving." And someone else was doing the right thing for the right reason. Or I think of my baby. She's 25 now. She's an engineer. When she was three, she was so productive. She was so good at puzzles, and she put on that little Enneagram three costume. The Enneagram is explaining that behavior. Why do you think, feel, and do life this way? One has to do with your energy. Some babies, you hold them, and they have the assertive energy. They are lifting their head at one-week-old. Some of them come with more compliant energy. That was my husband and I. We were shocked by these three assertive little souls we were given. And some come with more of a withdrawn energy. You can almost feel it in a baby. Then which of the nine paths are you going to take? Nature and nurture. And so noticing that there's a reason behind your behavior. How human of you. You're going to have to take one of these nine paths. It's not to put you in a box, but it helps you understand, oh, as a six, I've been scanning the horizon since I was three years old. What's the safe thing to do? But I grew up with this little seven who did not want limits, and all they could do is think of the next positive thing. You can have a lot of thoughts about that, uh, especially because in society, we love our little sevens, right? Their joy and the fun. And then your Enneagram four, many of them say since childhood they've been told they're too much, they're too emotional.

Lizzie Merritt 37:40

Mm-hmm.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 37:41

Rather than that's this beautiful soul with their withdrawn energy holding on, but feeling all the feelings we were gifted as humans, but they are feeling them deeply. And it produces so much beauty in the world. But it's a little hard for those of us who don't normally live in our feelings, right? I even think as a mom, when my kids would go over to that side of the feeling wheel of sad or frustrated, all I wanted to do was move them out of it rather than what we talked about. Just allow it. It's here. It's okay to be sad or frustrated or scared, not have to be happy all the time. I don't think it's anything that describes your identity, but it does give you some wisdom for your behavior

Lizzie Merritt 38:19

How do you help your clients, step into who God made her to be? How do you go about that?

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 38:25

I think the work for every woman who is noticing now that what wasn't working is creating the consequences, right? That first step is literally noticing. Maybe for you, you can take a notebook out and just begin to journal. That doesn't work for me. I actually need a conversation with somebody to notice. Finding your way of noticing. I have friends who need to go into the woods, and they need to walk, or they need to go to the ocean. But I think the first step is just beginning to notice, and I would go back to the word identity. If you're struggling to believe that you're this one in eight billion beautiful expression of love, can you find a picture of yourself when you were two, three or four? Can you believe she is that, right? Sometimes we can be a little kinder when we look at that young version of ourselves rather than the expectations we might have right now because our behavior isn't matching what we would want it to match. So I would start with the word notice, and then I would move over to the word decide. Who do you want to be? What do you want? I think part of what, brought me into the coaching world was I want a healthy body at 75. I want to eat the kind of foods that nourish me. I want to do yoga weights, sauna time because I want to stay strong and healthy. What do you want? Make that decision so that the actions you're taking are moving you in that direction. And then my third word is practice because we're not going to get this right. I'm 57 years old. I've been repeating how to brush my teeth the same way for 56 years, right? And so to just expect tomorrow to be different is really unkind. Know that it's small practices. And then finding that group that can keep you, you know, taking those steps together. There's so much research out there that the five people we spend the most time with really influence us, so finding people who are open and receptive to becoming the best version of themselves. Those would be some of the things that I would notice. What would you share?

Lizzie Merritt 40:14

Thank you for asking. Many of the clients that I work with have a, and honestly I think research will show that many people in the world have this, some fundamental belief of, "I am not enough." So we're particularly, you know, in many different ways, whether it's in work and so forth, but particularly in weight loss, many of my clients are striving to lose weight to somehow feel enough. Or like, "After I lose weight, then I'll feel better. I'll be okay. I'll be attractive." What I to say is like, weight loss is amazing. Like, let's go. But it is not the purpose of your life. is, and can be, a doorway through which you step into your meaning, your purpose here, but it doesn't even have to be. Like, you could do that today. The first step is unwinding this whole I-am-not-enough piece. And if you look at if you are this creation of the divine, that of course y- you're enough right now. And, um, use the analogy of like if, if you're giving a present to somebody, let's say, you know, it's a really thoughtful present. You, you really put some thought into it and you're so excited to give it to them, and you're, you know, "Here you go. It's your birthday," whatever, and you're like, "Oh, my gosh, they're going to love it." And they open it up, they have this almost look of shock on their face and they say, "This is too much. I can't, I can't take this." Y- know, as the giver you're like, "No, that's not okay. I want you to receive it. I want you to love it. I want you to just be like, 'This is the best gift in the whole world. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.'" And I that God feels that way about you, God said, "I am so excited about this gift of you into the world, and I want you to love it, and I want you to be like, 'Thank you, God, for giving me the gift of being me my. Unique gifts, my unique qualities, my unique quirks,'" And everything that makes us a little spicy.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 42:08

Right

Lizzie Merritt 42:09

for a reason, and it is to be me, and I God wants you to love it and receive the gift of you, and not push it away by saying, "Oh, I'm not enough." So I encourage you to be that graceful receiver of God's gift of you by enjoying being you and knowing that you got nothing to earn. You're here. That is enough right

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 42:31

Yep.

Lizzie Merritt 42:32

Go out and have fun.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 42:33

That's my goal too, to live a vibrant life, to enjoy all the ups and the downs because both are part of this human experience. I love all of the things we have in common. If someone wanted to connect with you, where would you send them to learn more about you?

Lizzie Merritt 42:46

Thanks. I have my podcast, which is The Confident Body Podcast. I've written two books. Uh, my most recent one is called Light: The New Psychology of Weight Loss. The first one is You Are a Miracle. let's see. My website is and, I work for No BS Weight Loss as a private weight loss coach.

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 43:03

Oh, I didn't know that. Fun

Lizzie Merritt 43:04

Yeah. how about you, Kelly? If someone wanted to learn more about you and work with you, where would they find you?

Kelly Tibbitts-Life Coach 43:10

The easiest way is to go to my website, kellytibbitts.com. I'm on Facebook, Instagram, and my podcast is Live a Vibrant Life

Lizzie Merritt 43:17

Amazing. This has been so much fun. Thank you, Kelly. Thanks for connecting.

43:22

thank you for joining the Live a Vibrant Life podcast. I hope our time together encouraged you and will equip you with the tools you need to move into the vibrant life you desire. I'm here to help you live a brave, creative, purpose-filled life. And if you'd like to learn more, you can follow me on Instagram or Facebook, Kelly Tibbits Life Coach, or visit my website, kellytibbitts.com. I look forward to connecting again soon