Book Week: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

Listen in on one of the monthly calls that I host, called “Tea and Tidbits”.  This week’s episode is part of a conversation about Mel Robbins’ book “The Let Them Theory”. 

Main points: 

• Let Them.
  • Learn to stop wasting your time, energy, and life on things you can't control.
  • You can’t control other people’s thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions.
  • Use the Serenity Prayer.
• Let Me.
  • What’s in my power? 
  • What do I want to think? 
  • What do I want to feel? 
  • What do I want to do?  

Links 

• Join Kelly's Group Coaching Program
• Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

Let's connect.

I am cheering for you!

Transcript

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Hey friends, this week on the podcast, I'm sharing a little bit from one of the calls that I do called Tea and Tidbits. It's a casual conversation about things that are important. So this is an excerpt from the time where we talked about Mel Robbins, new book let Them Theory, I hope you enjoy this conversation. Welcome to the Live A Vibrant Life podcast. I'm life coach Kelly Titz, and each week I'll be here to encourage and equip you with the tools you need to grow in self-awareness and invest your best energy in your dreams and your purpose. I believe self-awareness changes everything. Let's get started. I think Mel Robbins Let Them Theory is incredibly powerful. I love her story at the beginning of how she just authentically got to the place where she needed this Let Them Theory. I've read her other books. I've seen her speak of how she used her 5 to get herself up and moving. I've used that myself as my thought in the morning of, okay, that extra five minutes sleep isn't going to make you feel any better. She was able to take really a lot of overwhelmingly hard things, and with some clear decisions move her ahead. Small, consistent actions change everything. She said, Changing my life wasn't glamorous, it was grueling. And I think that's one of the hardest things with social media, is we see the end, right? And so even with Mel Robbins, I heard about her from her TED Talk, where she talked about this 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It was probably five years later, where she said, She needed that 1 story because she almost had like a mini panic attack at the end of her TED talk. She didn't have to land the plane, but by the time I heard about her, she was kind of successful talking about the 5, So I thought that was a really good power thought. Changing my life wasn't glamorous. It was grueling. Every day, no matter how I felt, I kept slowly chipping away at my goals for over a decade. A painstakingly slow process. The idea that it's these very small, tiny steps. Not giving up. Moving in the right direction. On page 18 she says, The let them theory is about freedom. The two simple words will set you free from the burden of trying to manage other people. Let them be grumpy. Let them have their own opinions. Other people hold no power over you unless you give it to them I don't think I knew that most of my life. I was a very codependent people pleaser. If someone else was upset, it was like I could feel their feelings. I was constantly using my energy to try to make other people feel better. And just deciding, okay, let them, let them be sad, frustrated, angry, whatever. What do I want to let me? So page 19. She says you end up wasting your energy we have this limited amount of energy. What energy do I want to be in? This year, my word is presence. It's from Eckhart Tolle. He has a lot of books about like living in aligned presence. Let me live in aligned, loving presence, which means when I notice thoughts that are making me angry or frustrated or resentful, I'm in charge of those thoughts. Let them, and that's really hard to do. Let them think what they want to think. Let them do what they want to do. One of the coaches that I got coached by, her name is Terry Cole and she wrote a book called Boundary Boss. And she gave me a sentence that I wrote down and I've shared with parents of adult children- she said, who are you to know what they came here to learn? That helps me a lot with the let them is. Would say don't have this experience because it's not safe, or you don't have the money for it, or you don't have the resources of energy. And yet, trying to keep that thought in my head, like, who am I to know what they came here to learn? So, if you're looking for another person that can help all of us codependent people pleasers, boundary boss, Terry Cole, C O L E. Page 26, she tells the prom story about her son, she's trying to Swoop in and save the day and her daughter says mom, just let them, let them not have the flowers. Let them not know what to do with the rain. Let them. And that was the start. And then on page 26, she said, the more I said, let them, the more I realized a lot of what I worry about wasn't worth my time. We give a lot of time and energy to something that wasn't really worth my time and energy. The very Beginning of this is the idea of stop wasting your life on things you can't control. I summarize the Let Them, Let Me Theory with the Serenity prayer. So the serenity prayer says help me Accept the things I cannot change help me accept the things I cannot change and would not choose. I think that second part is why we try to step into other people's boxes. I wouldn't choose that. So let them have the experience that I can't change and I wouldn't choose. And then let me take all my energy and pour it into the three things that I have authority over. My own thoughts. My feelings about things and the actions I take and don't take let me stay there. Let them is only half of what she's teaching us. Let them-let me. Let them. Let me. Pour my energy into what I can control which is my thoughts my feelings and my actions Chapter 2 is about how do we do this? How do we live this in real life? She gives the example of opening up her phone And seeing that a group of friends that she had been friends with when she was younger went away without her. I'm sure we've all had experience with social media where we look and someone has the vacation we always wanted or the experience with their kids we've always wanted or whatever. The real reality that I just didn't know for most of my life is my feelings about their picture are created by my thoughts, not by other people's actions. Let them. If I choose thoughts that are like, oh poor me, or this isn't fair, or nobody cares about me, I'm going to have a completely different set of feelings. And so she realized looking at her friends, and their experience and how she wasn't included, the feelings that were overwhelming her, she did this to herself. She says on page 41, my friends didn't do anything. They were living their lives. They're allowed to go away. They're allowed to plan a weekend without me. What was important for me to understand is what reaction do I want? Which is a very powerful way to go through life. Her friends are off having an experience. She's not with her friends, and she has a thought about her friends being without her. Those thoughts were creating feelings like inferior, jealous, insecure, left out, less than. So, without thinking let them, she was like, what about me? I'm not included. This happens all the time, parents of adult kids. They're having an experience. We used to be the center of the world. Now their world doesn't always even include us. We might notice some of these feelings. And when we notice them, I think what's great is she gave us the tool. We'll let them. I'm noticing that I'm feeling some insecurity, some jealousy, feeling left out. Okay, I want to honor that. I want to feel it. And then I want to say, let them. The problem when we say let them from an unhealthy place, is we can create in ourselves superiority, a false sense of control, and judgment. That was very interesting for me to notice as well. I'm getting into that place where, fine, I'm gonna just not call you anymore, or I'm gonna cut off relationship, or I'm better than you. I'm not actually using the let them let me theory. I'm allowing these emotions that came from thoughts to not really serve me. Acceptance, understanding, compassion, responsibility. for me, that's what my year of loving presence would look like, acceptance. Understanding, compassion, responsibility. And so, it's sort of just a picture, a metaphor for us to notice, am I in let them energy? Am I in let them and let me energy? Or have I gone over to that superiority? So, she gave us two warnings. One. Does the let them theory apply to children? You can use this idea with your kids who are adults. Obviously, you can't just let them make their own breakfast and they're two. So I thought that was, you know, an obvious thing with kids. Probably true with sometimes older parents that we're taking care of too. So, that exception. And then, what if let them makes you feel lonely? Think in her interview in particular with Oprah on the Super Soul of letting people realize that this tool could help you create the life you actually want. If all she wanted was that group of friends from when her kids were younger who didn't want to include her. She was going to be lonely. But if she let them have the experience that they were having, and then she said, well, let me maybe make some new friends. Maybe let me invite one of them out and see if we can have this relationship. On page 49, she gives us sort of a list of things that are in the let me box. If you're hoping someone else is going to come and rescue you, fix your problem, pay your bill, create your social life, heal your wounds, find your dream partner, motivate you to be your best, it's probably not going to happen. No one's coming. That's where the let me part. What do I want to do? What's in my power? And those three things are, what do I want to think? What do I want to feel? And what do I want to do? So that's the beginning part of it is, okay, here's a theory. We could stop using all our energy on other people and we could bring it back to us. What would I like to concentrate on? What do I want to let me do? And so her quote is, the more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets. I just think it's natural for most women. It was sort of how we were brought up, right? Like to be a nice girl and to be helpful meant to look out for the other. We're not trying to become people with superiority complexes who are, not engaging and not connecting, but we only have so much energy. Where do we want to put it? If we start with us, I think that's how we get to a place where we're healthy and the world gets healthier. On page 61. She says Life is stressful. The real reason you are exhausted all the time. The reason I found my way to coaching is I was exhausted all the time. I was exhausted because I overgave. I overgave to my family of origin, I overgave at work, I overgave everywhere. And she said that, 7 out of 10 people are currently living in a chronic state of stress. That we Feel like we're in survival mode. And that all the things that happen when we're healthy, our goals and our dreams and our best self and our ability to be patient and non reactive, it all goes out the window because we're constantly overstressed. And most of the reason we're overstressed is because we're in the other box. We're trying to help this one think a different thought or feel a different feeling or do something different. Page 63, she said, you get to take all your power back by owning your reaction. For instance, she said, I was on a plane and the guy behind me kept coughing, and every time he coughed, I became more stressed. I felt like a caged animal sitting there strapped in my seat. So how do you use the let them theory to get someone to stop coughing? You don't. They get to cough. Laughter And she said, you know, but what could I control? I could control only how I was responding to the coughing. I just feel like for most of my life, I didn't realize that like, somebody would do something, and I would try to jump in. Nothing would change, or it would look like it would change. I think, the danger is when it looks like Our thoughts, feelings, and actions are changing somebody else. Then we keep trying harder and harder and harder. Instead of just being like, okay, they're coughing, let them. What could she do instead? Okay, I could let them cough. I could cover my nose and mouth with my scarf. I could put headphones in to drown out the coughing. And slowly she felt her energy come back. The let them theory is like a sigh of relief for your stressed brain. It helps you reclaim control over your anxious thoughts so that your brain and your body can get out of that survival mode. Page 69. You can't let stress make you overwhelmed, confused, frustrated. You have to decide in advance how are you going to respond. Page 70 Believe that you control your next move in light of how much energy you have in light of your hopes and dreams What would you like your next move to be? Some people want to go to the gym every day and move some of this anxious energy out. Other people want to save up some money and go do something that brings me joy so there's joy for me to share with the people in my life. The only way to not be stressed out by people is to not be in relationship with people. Because we're all going to think, feel, and do something differently. That's just part of being in a relationship. So focus on what matters. Name the problem, name the truth, name the solution. The problem is other people are going to do things that bother you, annoy you, and stress you out. I think that's, especially as a mom, to be able to explain this to our children. There is no perfect relationship coming. With a friend, with a co worker, with a partner, right? People are going to bother you, annoy you, and stress you out. That's life. If you stay in your box, you get to keep your energy. If you keep jumping into their box to help them change their mind and think differently and do differently, you're going to end up with no time and no energy for yourself. When you think a thought, a feeling is created, and a feeling is a vibration in your body created by a thought. I never knew this until I started with my first coach. I don't know what I thought feelings were, but I 100 percent thought other people made them in my body. If this election hasn't shown it, I don't know what will. We're all seeing the exact same circumstances and having completely different opinions about what's happening because our thought is what creates the feeling. When we think a thought like, I don't know what they came here to learn, this experience is helping them learn what they came to learn. That's a very different feeling than, Oh my God, they're messing everything up. It's never going to get better. So, name the problem, know that your body's stress response is automatic, so feelings are meant to be felt. Feelings grow like an ocean wave, and then they drop down and leave our body when we pay attention to them. Your body stress is automatic. Once we know the problem, help me accept the things I can't change or wouldn't choose. That's the problem. The truth is my body's having an experience and then the solution is I'm going to let them. I'm going to choose to let them. I went to her, online event when the book was released and she and her daughter had flown the day before. This was before the Washington DC tragedy. And the plane had a problem while she was flying. And they weren't sure if they were going to land. And she said, being able to say, let the pilot fly. Let them do what they need to do. It's not that it took away all the anxiety, but it did give it a place to, to sort of go to, right? The goal of this book is to say, it's time to reclaim your time and your energy for what matters most to you. I think most moms we don't even know what's most important. Starts with acknowledging the fact that life isn't fair. On page 132. Keep my eyes on myself. The most natural thing is still going to be to be frustrated and annoyed and aggravated. How can I get into what I would call a neutral energy? Can you think of any circumstance where it might be a little bit easy to get to a neutral energy? You could list out all the let them's, the things that you have no authority over. I don't think you want to feel frustrated, angry. I think this could be super helpful for you to decide, what I want to feel on repeat? What has to stay in your box, not theirs. A successful teacher might Be in charge of the lesson plan, and the amount of time that they teach, and what resources we share. But we're not actually in charge of what the kid absorbs, because we don't know if they ate dinner, or their parents are getting divorced, or they're sick, right? For you to feel successful, what's one, two, or three things you can do that are 100 percent under your control? Let me write down I'm doing the very best I can. I can advocate, right? I I need to be able to show up on time. I need to have my materials in advance. I need to have the time to put everything away. You're too busy doing everything for everybody else If you can take the time to say, Okay, I'm not in charge of what in their box. You are 100 percent valuable like everybody else. Let them, let them I hope you enjoyed this episode. I look forward to talking again next week. Thank you for joining the Live A Vibrant Life podcast. I hope our time together encourage you and will equip you with the tools you need to move into the vibrant life you desire. I'm here to help you live a brave, creative, purpose-filled life. And if you'd like to learn more. You can follow me on Instagram or Facebook, Kelly tibbits life coach, or visit my website kelly tibbits.com. I look forward to connecting again soon.